the condom got lost in my hair
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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