You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
