im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
