We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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