WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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