Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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