i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There's always time for handjobs
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
