Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
