He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
