he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
