We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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