Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
