My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
