I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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