I hate your face
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
not ubering you a puppy
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
