Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
