Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
