What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
