We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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