I'm lost and stupid without you.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
