He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
