For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just had sex on a roof
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
