i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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