in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
