Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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