So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
