you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
operation harelip BJ is a go
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
