he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
