rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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