My pussy is not your playground.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
