She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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