Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
