My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
