My Higher Power is John Stamos
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Randomize
