I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
