everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
