Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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