Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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