my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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