i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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