guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
