ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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