Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
