I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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