I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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