all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
