What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You are the jesus of drinking
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
