it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
