we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So squirting runs in the family.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
