Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
