We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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