so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
